it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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