If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
