I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
