stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
