Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
