I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
