All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
