Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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