ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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