You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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