I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
The beer is more important than you right now.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
