I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
