Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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