Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
He felt like a one man threesome
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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