Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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