I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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