Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
