You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Randomize
