Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
