hell yes lets make some ravioli
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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