You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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