Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
