In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
