Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
