Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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