hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
