Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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