forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Pooping to opera.
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