I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
