See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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