You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Randomize
