Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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