dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
