Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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