there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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