you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
