There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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