hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
