Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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