Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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