This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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