I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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