just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
