Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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