if i can run in heels then i can drive
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize