24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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