mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
