literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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