Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
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