My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Of course I have a pirate flag
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
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