My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
