Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
