I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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