saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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