You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
