exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
So much Jack, so little girl.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Randomize
