oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
