I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
