I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
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