I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
